What to Do with Those F*gs

Did that title get your attention? I hope so. I'm not normally this upset when I blog. You're probably not as upset reading it as you will be soon. If you are a fundamentalist Christian, don't bother reading on. You already have me condemned from the title, and this blog will only make it worse. If you want to read about one of the biggest crimes of our culture, read on.

Today I met a friend for the first time face-to-face. He and I have e-mailed a few times, mostly about business. I knew early on that something was hurting my friend. He was a Christian brother, but something was "off." He had skeletons in his closet, and something was really hurting him. I suspected that his skeletons had to do with something sexual, since he spoke about his skeletons in broad terms like "thought life" and would only talk on the phone if he felt he were in a safe place. Our meeting today helped me to realize that I was somewhat correct. He wanted to talk, but he was nervous. When we established that I wasn't going to hurt him and probably wouldn't be shocked, he began to describe his tendency to same-sex attraction. What bothered me most about the conversation was the way he told me he had been treated by those from whom he asked for help. He had been ostracized, shamed, put aside. One pastor even said, "Look...just stop being attracted to men!" Easy for a straight person to say. My friend admitted he wasn't trying to be attracted to other men. He said he didn't even want to live a homosexual lifestyle. He said he agreed with the Christian idea that homosexual activity was sin. Still, he wanted help in overcoming it. He viewed attraction as temptation (reasonable, I think) rather than a biological thing. He said that while some people are born with a tendency to lie, others to kill, others to steal, he was born with a tendency to same-sex relationships. The only problem is that his sin was the only sin that is rarely discussed in Christian circles. He described his spiritual and devotional life and proceeded to describe his homosexual life. He felt trapped in a double life with no family or friend support. In fact, there was only hostility.

How can we Christians have the nerve to say something like, "We just need to love homosexuals." Sure, we need to love them, but are we doing it? No. How many of us would willingly sit for three hours listening to a guy whose life is upside-down, whose spirit was crying out, whose temptations led him to a lifestyle that we all call "disgusting" or an "abomination." We are so busy trying to spread the truth in "love" that we're not acting on the love we claim. Men and women with same-sex attraction have been the blunt of many jokes, have accrued many nicknames (like "f*g), and have sat at the edges of our "Christian" culture, longing to be part of a loving culture. We don't let them, though. They're different. All of you people reading this who think you're open-minded: do you do anything to get to know homosexual people? Do you sit with them and listen without telling them how bad they are? Do you hang out with them, or are you afraid to be "condoning" that lifestyle? Even if we do all these things, are our Christian circles safe enough that ANY person with ANY sin can speak freely about it? Are our churches places where people can be themselves enough to vent their feelings and sins and to be ready to grow after the fact? We dropped the ball on this a long time ago, Christians. We treat homosexual people as if they were a completely separate type of person. If homosexual people were another race, much of what we do to them would be a hate crime. We need to stop condemning their sin until we've acknowledged our sins in the way we approach the homosexual lifestyle.

I hope this was coherent. My heart is going out to an entire subculture of hurting people who feel something deep down for which they can't ask for help. Somewhere far away from most of you readers tonight is a guy who's hurting very deeply, longing for God, without any idea of how he can face the Lord with the sexual thoughts that plague his mind. I love that brother, and I can't wait for the Lord to make up for my deficiencies in relating to my homosexual friends.

In Limbo

There is nothing like feeling like you're in limbo. Right now I have left messages on more phones than I can count, leaving me hanging in the air, waiting for a response. I feel like I'm the kid on that Kodak commercial. You know the one, the kid is hanging in midair, tucked into the perfect cannonball position, ready to make a big splash in his swimming pool. Suddenly, in a quasi-Steven King way, his head turns and he speaks from the portrait, "Mom, I'm still hanging here!" Print those digital pictures and the kid won't be left hanging anymore, or so Kodak would have you think. Unfortunately, the kid's left hanging in that picture inside a photo album forever...or at least until the photo fades. Anyway, I'm that kid right now, waiting for business calls, personal calls, etc., etc., etc. It feels like loose ends are everywhere and I'm rushing around to tie them all up. It's almost exhilerating. (Call me back anyway, chums!)

Take Me for a Ride

What is it about college admissions that makes people want to lie? I am an admissions counselor for a conservative Christian institution, but it still happens. Every day potential students line up to lie to me. "I'm just searching my options," they say. "I might send in an application or something," others will say. Why not just tell me, "Hey. Get off the phone with me. I don't remember asking you for information about your school. I used to think Bible school would be good, but not now. I won't get rich doing it." That would save me some time, allow me to work with the people who should really be training for Christian ministry. Of course, that wouldn't be polite, they think, so they keep taking me for rides every day. I wonder if my ride will be in a Chevette or an Aston Martin today?

Why don't you go blog about it?

Being grown up is funny. We like to think we've arrived at a whole new level of life and maturity. Of course I know we have, but it seems sometimes that we're all just big kids. The Jew and I were in a music rehearsal earlier when I started kvetching about something. I don't even remember what it was that had me in a mood. I just wouldn't be quiet. So, instead of saying something like, "Shvayg!" or "Why don't you go cry about it," the Jew said, "Why don't you go blog about it?" That's great. Honestly. Instead of kicking me out of the sandbox and saying something immature, we can now play our instruments together and send each other to our respective blogs. Then I can kvetch away, leaving you all with all my dreck. (For those who read this blog--aside from being among the few and proud--this was just me having a little fun with a true story and some Yiddish.)

Marriage Jokes

I spent a fun-filled evening on a "Cruise" last evening! KV holds an annual cruise dinner in which they transform the whole complex into a pseudo-cruise ship for a dinner theater (or theatre, if you're Canadian or from the UK). They did a fine job with decor, and the meal was fabulous! Aside from the treacherous weather conditions that I never should've driven in for over two hours, only one thing about the evening left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Marriage jokes. I hate them. When I was engaged I would hear marriage jokes all the time, referring to women's control-hungriness, men's lack of relational understanding, and an overall lack of freedom. People would warn, "I hope you know what you're getting into." They might joke, "Enjoy these last few weeks of happiness while you have it." Last night one joke was made to an acting couple who had "been married" for 25 years: "Oh...25 years of misery!" Jokes like that continued all night.

I resent such trivial treatment of marriage. Marriage is actually a wonderful time of life when you and your significant other are able to become one, to share all of life together, to enjoy love, to live out friendship. Of course, that requires something more than most of us are willing to give. You hear that marriage requires a lot of work. I suppose that's true, but we have the wrong idea of work. We think we need to work on getting along, work on changing the other person, work on being right. However, what we really need to do is to work on thinking always of the other person first. We need to look at the other person's needs first. We need to think of their desires, their wishes, their sorrows, their...whatever. Our needs will be met by the other person because that kind of true love is reciprocated. Marriage seems less like work when we actually love the other person with the other person in focus. Then we don't have to feel we have less freedom, less happiness, less anything. (I think I will do a D-group about this some time.)

Napoleon Dynamite

I may be the only person on earth who has not yet seen this movie. I've been psyched about it until recently when a friend said to me, "Honestly, it's not that good. It has no plot. But quoting it is really funny!" If that's the case, maybe I'll just eavesdrop on everyone's conversations and fit in with good quotes. If the movie's not that good, why the hype?

Testimony

I'm very big on testifying to God's action in my life. I just don't always do it because He's always up to something, it seems. Regardless, what follows is a very scaled down version of a change for freedom in my heart.

Without going into too much detail, I have been involved in worship ministry in one way or another since I was 12. In high school I was the main worship leader at my dad's church for church services, special events, VBS, and anything people needed. In addition to being a worship leader, I was also a worship thinker. I felt something was "off" in people's worship: that God wasn't really the center. While my dad helped me realize my need for my own relationship with God, he argued with me about worship styles, songs in church, music and performance, etc., etc., etc. He (and a few other mentors) seemed to be more focused on the "things" of worship rather than using those "things" for worship. I didn't care though because I was about to go to Bible college and learn more about worship ministry.

College started off great. Those with direct influence over my development in worship ministry had vibrant relationships with God, challenging me to make God the center of our worship. Nevertheless, the more time I spent at college, the more I realized that "things" of worship were important even to some godly leaders at school. By the time I started my internship as a worship pastor during my senior year, I was convinced that my time in the church would allow me to disciple people toward true worship.

My internship didn't do that. The church was great, but I quickly developed the idea that no pastor alive really wanted a worship pastor. They only wanted good musicians with professional skills. That hurt and confusion came at the worst time; the worst year of my personal life began in the midst of my worship crisis. The only place I found solace and outlet was in discipling others, so I decided that would be my ministry. My current job allows counseling and mobilizing the Church, so I jumped on it and hope to stay here for a while (God willing).

However, last week I was confronted by a worship pastor and senior pastor whose worship philosophy matches mine almost word-for-word. The confusion of 2002 returned, but I quickly realized that the confusion had never left. I had made worship pastors and church music out to be a pithy response to God, and the Holy Spirit was ready to change my heart. I was afraid when I confessed aloud my sin of belittling God and His worship, declaring my desire for openness. I have never felt such freedom in my life! I have been in a constant state of worship in song, in the Word, in prayer, in...everything...for over a week. I can tell this change is permanent. God convicted me of a hard heart, and His grace changed me. Hallelujah!

(Epilogue: I was a little confused about why God would open my heart again for worship ministry when I firmly believe I'm in the right job right now. I wondered why I dreamed of missions, teaching, and admissions counseling if I were to become passionate about worship ministry again. A friend of mine said something in passing one day that strengthened this whole testimony. I realized through my friend that God has not called me to an occupation that will show up on a tax form. God has really called me to an occupation that will bring God's truth to His people and vice versa. Jobs don't matter, and that's cool. I don't want to change jobs right now.)

Confession

I am not a good blogger. While I love the concept and often come up with ideas, I get distracted sometimes. Actually, I've come to find that I get distracted a lot of times. My reputation through high school and my first year or two of college was one of focused determination and discipline. Now that I've come to know myself better, I question that. I took a personality quiz last night for fun...okay, really it was because I was ready to prove that I'm not Melancholy/Choleric like people think. (Yes, I know proving myself right is choleric...read on.) Choleric was only my second strongest temperament. Sanguine was my strongest temperament by far. (I only wish that were as obvious in my "strengths" mix as my "weaknesses" mix.) :) So, I sat and read about sanguines, laughing the whole time. I may not be everything that Personality Plus says sanguines should be, but then again I've always hated being put in a box. :) Why does this matter? It doesn't, but at least I have a copout now for why I'm a sporadic blogger. I'll try to do better.