Testimony

I'm very big on testifying to God's action in my life. I just don't always do it because He's always up to something, it seems. Regardless, what follows is a very scaled down version of a change for freedom in my heart.

Without going into too much detail, I have been involved in worship ministry in one way or another since I was 12. In high school I was the main worship leader at my dad's church for church services, special events, VBS, and anything people needed. In addition to being a worship leader, I was also a worship thinker. I felt something was "off" in people's worship: that God wasn't really the center. While my dad helped me realize my need for my own relationship with God, he argued with me about worship styles, songs in church, music and performance, etc., etc., etc. He (and a few other mentors) seemed to be more focused on the "things" of worship rather than using those "things" for worship. I didn't care though because I was about to go to Bible college and learn more about worship ministry.

College started off great. Those with direct influence over my development in worship ministry had vibrant relationships with God, challenging me to make God the center of our worship. Nevertheless, the more time I spent at college, the more I realized that "things" of worship were important even to some godly leaders at school. By the time I started my internship as a worship pastor during my senior year, I was convinced that my time in the church would allow me to disciple people toward true worship.

My internship didn't do that. The church was great, but I quickly developed the idea that no pastor alive really wanted a worship pastor. They only wanted good musicians with professional skills. That hurt and confusion came at the worst time; the worst year of my personal life began in the midst of my worship crisis. The only place I found solace and outlet was in discipling others, so I decided that would be my ministry. My current job allows counseling and mobilizing the Church, so I jumped on it and hope to stay here for a while (God willing).

However, last week I was confronted by a worship pastor and senior pastor whose worship philosophy matches mine almost word-for-word. The confusion of 2002 returned, but I quickly realized that the confusion had never left. I had made worship pastors and church music out to be a pithy response to God, and the Holy Spirit was ready to change my heart. I was afraid when I confessed aloud my sin of belittling God and His worship, declaring my desire for openness. I have never felt such freedom in my life! I have been in a constant state of worship in song, in the Word, in prayer, in...everything...for over a week. I can tell this change is permanent. God convicted me of a hard heart, and His grace changed me. Hallelujah!

(Epilogue: I was a little confused about why God would open my heart again for worship ministry when I firmly believe I'm in the right job right now. I wondered why I dreamed of missions, teaching, and admissions counseling if I were to become passionate about worship ministry again. A friend of mine said something in passing one day that strengthened this whole testimony. I realized through my friend that God has not called me to an occupation that will show up on a tax form. God has really called me to an occupation that will bring God's truth to His people and vice versa. Jobs don't matter, and that's cool. I don't want to change jobs right now.)