Fences

Last night at SOAK, we talked about building fences (or boundaries) in relationships. Someone brought up an interesting point that got me thinking. Someone mentioned we are often too quick to put up a boundary with someone when we feel hurt by them. We feel hurt, so we begin to write that person off as a friend, sometimes calling them a "toxic" person. Often we need to realize that our boundary for someone is often put up, in such a situation, because of ourselves. We have a feeling, we took offense, or we wrote the person off, indicating that we have a problem.

Here's where my thinking begins. While you don't have the context of the conversation, hopefully you get the point above. We have problems, and we blame other people or other circumstances. (Maybe I should just say "I" here, but I doubt I'm alone on this.) Someone hurts us by hitting on a nerve we don't want to face, so we shut them out. The problem? My nerve. Or we begin to hold someone at a distance for fear that we might be hurt or they might not be a friend. The problem? My fear. Or even worse, we set up a boundary because someone's action or involvement in our lives uncovers an area in which we don't trust someone close to us. The problem? Either my mistrust or the problems of someone close to me that I don't want to face.

I have a few family members who say to each other in disagreement, "That sounds like your problem," if one or the other says, "You make me mad," or, "That was a hurtful thing to say." While I don't agree that a person has no responsibility for my feelings, I do think we are entirely too quick not to take responsibility for ourselves in our relationships. If we hurt someone, we often point to people in our past (or present), events in our past (or present), or circumstances in our past (or present) in order to provide a "reason" why we act the way we do. We're caught up in the "I can't help it" game just to save ourselves and/or our reputations. Rather than admit we have room to grow and allow someone close to us to help us through it, we push the problem on them, on our past, or on some factor in our present that renders us "helpless" to do anything but behave poorly or set up a fence too quickly. We make it inconceivable that we have any room to grow because that would make us capable of hurting another person and responsible for contributing to a relationship problem.

Let's face two things here: 1) Sometimes boundaries do need to be established, but we are quick to do that in order to protect ourselves rather than to work through something, and 2) We're human! That's right, human. In other words, we aren't going to have perfect relationships, and we're going to hurt and be hurt. Even very godly people who love each other can hurt and be hurt. Even "free" people who seemingly have "arrived" at a place in which they have no human foibles anymore are subject to miscommunication and misunderstanding, meaning that hurt is still possible. We are so quick to protect ourselves by building fences that demand grace be given to us for our past, our present, etc., but we rarely extend the grace to other people to consider their past, their present, etc. And we almost never acknowledge misunderstanding.

Two closing remarks:

1) In light of this, it seems, then, that we should work harder in our relationships not to hold people at a distance. We should bring people closer, taking the risk that hurt brings. After all, Proverbs tells us that a wound from a friend can be trusted. In other words, if someone loves us, they probably don't intend harm if they wound us. They're probably the ones who can help us work through it.

2) Sometimes boundaries really are necessary, but it's probably not a good idea to set one up until you've tried to work on a relationship through honesty among all parties. Once you've accepted your responsibility and brought that to the Lord to release offense/bitterness and/or unforgiveness, there remains a time of openness and honesty with the offender. If the offender chooses blindness and won't accept the possibility of shared responsibility, then it seems a boundary has already been drawn by that person. I'm not saying I'm 100% right on this, but it seems, at that point, that this is a good time to start building and painting that fence.

(Lynn)